WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH?

Axel comes home Mondays and Tuesdays. This I can manage with help. He stays in a local care home the rest of the week. This has been going on for 4 months now. The tribunal hangs in the air for October should we fight to get him out of county to a specialist residential school far away. I don't know what is best.

It's taken time to assimilate this situation and that he is unlikely to come back. The grief of it is slow like an airless, permeating mist. I am quietened by it.

Having fought solidly for years for him and tried all sorts of things to make things better, a new awareness is dawning. I have been giving the teachers and care home a hard time as if the reason he needs to leave is because we are doing something wrong. I am now wondering whether we are all doing a good job and this is just how it is, how he is.

Is it possible I could relax in the knowledge that he is where he needs to be and we are all doing as well as can be? There can always be improvements but is this enough?

For me this is a sad outcome. Perhaps I need to accept it, stop fighting and support the group as we are. I love having him close... and so does he. That much I know.

I have always been a fixer. I have never known such a loss.

He's coming home later. My blue-eyed boy.