I'm getting, being, divorced today.
My husband and I had a great life together. We met on a plane. We felt so very lucky the way life blessed us. Things just seemed to go our way. Fun, married, a beautiful girl and boy, health, house and flat, money, family and friends. Fun.
Disability.
Our experience in the family involved a pair of glasses.
Largely, as a couple, I had been a 'performer', he a 'happy audience', both vital and we journeyed well. Then Autism. I no longer felt the desire or able to perform in this and needed him to get out of his seat and work with me, love with me. As he clung to his needed seat of safety and denial I started to shout and be angry, became a horror of a wife. The divide began. We would have needed a lot of support to change the nature of who we were to find a better balance. As the chasm deepened, other dreams were quashed. I had hoped for three children. In my husbands head, sex and disability was now coupled, a sexless mistress. I packed my reserves.
He did move out over three years ago and for a while I hoped that maybe I would meet someone and get my dream back. The arid realities of single-parenting soon put paid to that young seed.
So here I am. Lucky, slightly battered, learning mother to two extraordinary, beautiful children. Gorgeous home. Blessed with great family and friends. Re-emerging in work I love. And now, finally, single again!
I miss the bonded feeling, the peace and safety of partnership though it went a long time ago. I miss the very loveable man I knew. His smiles and grace. I miss his peaceful sleeping form beside me in the bed. I am sad I, we could not pull through together. I am very grateful for all we've shared and I do mean all of it.
Single, I feel notably freer, open and cleaner. Like I've just cleaned my teeth.
I tentatively smile
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