I've been struggling for a couple of days...
I wear rose-tinted glasses for most of the year. Welded on. Necessary accoutrements to stay sane I find. Ah another broken souvenir hurled into the wall... one less thing to dust! Then there are days or occasions when they come off, need to come off, to calculate wise decisions. With the kids back to school and another big meeting tomorrow they are off and I dare to feel my exhaustion and sense of defeat. I survey the landscape of breakages and bruises. The diary full of unhappiness, anxiety and lunacy. Driving about in the car for no reason other than it's a relatively safe thing to do. Axel will not swim now, will run away in the park. The new videos were thrown into the wall raining plastic. 6 in one day. I can only shop because Axel can still squeeze into the trolley. I speed shop whilst feeding him favourites. Axel is not happy enough in our home. There's only so much tickling games I can do. We need more help.
I am still waiting for a response to my letter of recommendation for Residential School. They may meet tomorrow. Whatever happens I know I can not keep Axel safe let alone happy for ... anytime longer? I can not go out with him on my own and be sure. Two of us struggled to manage him the other day... he bit me again.
I feel a lot of pain when I think of Axel. As he leaves home another dream dies. So many dead dreams. Not being able to talk together at all the biggest. I do so hope they say yes and that he will be happy there. That they can meet his needs. I hear all the reasonable arguments and I know what I have done. And there is a primordial part of me that bellows with the animals.
I do not expect you to 'like' this but if you do hit 'like' I'll take it to mean you hear me.
Axel's in the care home tonight. Anusha's on her way home. I do wish I could cheer up a bit for her. I will.
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